You Can't Puke Your Guts Out

Until you spill them to me.

Might as well get it out in the open here. I have a drinking problem. It is this: I don't really enjoy drinking. Okay? It's out there. I really, really, REALLY want to enjoy it. But I can't. The shit tastes foul. Being drunk is terrifying. And I'm always dissapointed in myself when I drink. Never mind I'm a bipolar kid on anti-depressants and drinking a depressant drug like Alcohol really doesn't do the trick for me.

It sucks, it really does. Cause my two best friends enjoy drinking. It's a fun thing I wish we could all do together. So when the chance arises, yeah, I jump at it. Right until I down the first shot and get sick to my stomach. Not drunk, just sick. And so I try to keep up with whom I'm with... and I'm just freaking miserable. But I don't want to ruin the fun! And I know, I know... everyone says "dude, it's no big deal"... accept it is. It is extremely rare that anyone does anything in our group of friends if I don't do it. It's not a concious thing... it's just... I'm an integral member and without me... an activity lacks whatever it is I bring to the table.

So if I don't drink, I worry that everyone else will stop drinking. Or won't drink. Which... I dunno... isn't a terrible thing... but it isn't what THEY want. And hanging out isn't about what I want. It's about having fun together.

I don't know what to do. Kami doesn't like drinking, though she'll never tell me not to. Which I'm thankful for, it's wonderful that she respects me enough to trust me to not "act the fool." At the same time... I wish I had an easy out like "my girlfriend told me not to." Fuck being called a pussy... it wouldn't be on my shoulders.

*sigh* I just wish I could just HAVE A GOOD TIME... and not spend it worrying about things.

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I'm The Man Who Saved the World

But couldn't save himself. Seriously... when someone else's problems are brought to me, I act with cool, intelligent advice that is almost always correct. I can help almost anyone with their problems... I can guide them in all they try to do.

But when something goes haywire in my life... I panic. I lose control and freak out. I take hours, sometimes days to calm down. I just wish I could be as good with my problems as I am with other's.

Then again... I bet everyone wishes that.

If Only I Could Paint Myself A Bed

Somewhere that I could sleep all night... all day tomorrow... and tomorrow night too. I'm so tired... I can feel it in my bones. That's real cliche and something people older than I say... but seriously... my knees are killing me, heh.

I just spent around 4-5 hours painting. I nearly finished one, am more than half way with another, and I've got about 45% done with the final one. They're a set, and they are gunna kick ass when they're done. Or at least, I hope they will. Thank God for glazing to save my ass from color wierdness.

I love this painting thing. It's really theraputic. Cathartic perhaps works better. I can forget everything else for a time and just concentrate on my art. It feels great... especially when you take a step back and it really looks how you wanted it to. My guess is that it feels as good as the applause after acting, the thrill of doing a complex dance right, or giving a perfect presentation. It's a really good feeling... and it's part of the reason I do art.

Tomorrow, I must speak on Alex! (Btw- haven't spelled Tomorrow right the first time until right here).

And So I Said To The Little Devil On My Shoulder

If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. He didn't listen, but it felt good saying it, ya know? I wish he had shut up. It's so much easier to avoid temptation than it is to resist it.

Which is why I have like... 0 female friends. They just aren't worth the hassle. I've found the woman in my life. For a feminine perspective that isn't hers, I have a mother (and a sister who hasn't forgiven me for leaving for college quite yet). There just isn't much reason to have a female friend. I have Maria of course... but she's engaged, and I called her daughter. Not much of a threat there, lol. (Also, Maria, while definitely a girl, lacks a really feminine point of view [she plays video games for Christ's sake]).

It's hard for a lot of people to settle down, ya know? They think "what am I missing out on?" A whole lot of drama, that's what. I found the spark, and I know that what's here is so much better than any silly fling. I just wish people would understand it's not so much "natural" for people to be runnin' around having sex and hot make-outz. That's just an excuse. You do that to learn that it isn't what you want. So move on. Don't stay in that place. Better yet? Avoid it entirely.

Thank God someone knew that.

What Is Better: Saving or Sharing A Life?

And can you do both? I don't know the answer. Understand what I'm really asking is whether you can change someone and still be with them. Thankfully I don't have to ask myself that question too seriously. Mine is a girl who I have no desire to change.

Kenny and Maria revealed their engagement to Dustin and I last night. It was an exciting, and relieving little bit of information. The two of them are wonderful people, who I admittedly don't give the attention they deserve. They genuinely care about me, and while I care about them a good deal, I do not show it as well as I should. I'm happy for them, just as I am nervous for them. They are young people... like me... and it's going to be a big deal when they tie the knot Dustin and I are to be best men, which is an extremely big honor.

It's gotten me thinking on marriage in general. I'm not quite as gung-ho about it as I once was. This has nothing to do with Kami's potential as a wife... something I do not question for a second. She is everything I want, and I will marry her if it is at all possible. However, we have to wait... for many reasons.

I'll have to write my diatribe on this on Misanthrope. For now, I'm going to go.

I'm Often Seen Dragging Ass

His name is Dave. This will be another of those "observations of people in my life" pieces I've been writing. Pieces? Blogs. Whatever.

Dave is around 6'3" and 170 pounds. Like most thin guys, he over-estimates his weight constantly (I do it too). He's moderately strong, though it's all centered in his arms. He's pretty out of shape because he never excersizes on his own.

Dave was my best friend here at Vincennes. Which isn't saying much. After the must lauded Frank/Mike break up... he was basically the only one left. So I clung to him, accepted him, and let down my barriers because I need human companionship.

In the interim, Dave has become a bully, an asshat, and a general ogre. He argues and fights about everything... there is no topic too trivial to start a fight over. I state an opinion about the weather, and he just automatically disagrees. He refuses to budge an inch on anything he's made his mind up about (re: everything).

I cannot have anything in my life without Dave critiquing it. He has an opinion about everything, and he refuses to hear any others. He's so maddeningly confident in his own obscure, idiosincratic meaninglessness that he cannot imagine a world beyond his envisioning.

Dave is also the most impolite and inconsiderate person I know. He knows the social mores and refuses to abide by civility. He is abrupt and abraisive, and overtly confrontational. He stews at every percieved slight, and acts as if his own infringements are nothing. He ignores my requests for even mild behavioral modification, in preference for his own illogical, inscrutable behavior.

One of the things I get least about Dave the fact that he hates his father for being a bully, for being illogical, and for being a jerk. However in every way he emulates his father. It is a sad, sobering, and uncomfortable reality.

Dave and I's friendship has been over for some time. Despite my attempts to remedy things, he will not change. I will not throw myself to the lions for someone so undeserving. I see a sad, unhappy future for him. But let it be known: I have never been rude to him out of spite or anger. There was a time when I laughed with him. Not anymore.

Take A Close Look At Who You're Friends With

You are who you meet. I like that. I'm full of clever quotes today. Hopefully I will be seen as wise enough down the road that people will attribute them to me in books of celebrity quotes. I'm like a latter day buddah.

Anyway, I'm writing this blog because I realize it'd be good to talk about the people who are important figures in my life. Not just the good ones, though I'll start with them.

I'm gunna write about my main man Zach. I'll answer why before I start. A) I'm talking to him on AIM, so he's on my mind (not like that). B) I talk about Kam constantly, I don't think writing a blog about her is a smart under-taking... it took me a month to write a novel, that'd take a lifetime. C) Zach is the shizznizzle.

Alright, so Zach. He's a good guy (duh). He's an inch or few shorter than me (I am verbally clever today), fairly pale from a largely indoor natural environment, and only beginning to reap the benefits of hygiene. He'd look pretty good if he'd take care of himself and at least trim his beard... which resembles nothing so much as hobo-lion's mane.

He's smart as hell too. Like... I wouldn't say smarter than I am... partially because I'm egotistical and partially because I don't believe any one is "smarter" than anyone else. He does have a way with numbers. He does math I'd need a Professor or at least a computer to do, in his head. He's smart in other ways too. He's a fun role player, a creative guy, and a surprisingly good free thinker for someone so numbers oriented.

Zach comes across as a smart ass, because he is. He has a sometimes black sense of humor, and enjoys cynicism and sarcasm a lot. My guess? This is his way to vent his anxiety in a socially acceptable and even somewhat enjoyable form. I say somewhat, but his humor is one of the greatest things about the guy.

I think Zach's biggest problem is that he is utterly unmotivated. I don't think it's in the "something is going to wander to me" kind of way. I think it's more Zach is too anxious perhaps about failing to actually make a real chance, where the failure would be painful. Maybe I'm just projecting, but I think he needs to get motivated. I'd love to help, and I try to... but ultimately it's got to come from him.

The only issue I see for me and Zach is my relationship with his sister. He's being admirably supportive, which means a whole freaking lot. Like... I want to thank him for it... but I'd rather not bring it up and cause awkward. He's been cool about it so far... so I don't know. But I can't think of anything else that could cause us trouble. Other than like... me waking up to him smelling my hair or something.

Barring catastrophic relationship failure (in which case Zach being mad will be the least of my problems) or closet homosexuality, I see a long, strong future with Zach. I'm getting an apartment with him... and this is just gunna be awesome.

W00tzorz!

It's Bad To Look Up To People

Cause they almost always end up letting you down. That's actually a lie, I'm really saying that more on hearsay and social standards than actual experience. I have never looked up to the people that have hurt me... and maybe that was the problem. Whatever the case, a lot of artists to disappoint me.

I have messages behind my art, or at very least, I have an idea. Be it "Save the Children" or "George W. Is Teh Dumbzorz" I always try to have something I'm saying. That's why I'm doing the art in the first place... to say something. Maybe that's cause I started as a comic artist, or because I write and speak so eloquently. I am just used to passing information and feeling with my actions... not just doing something to be pretty.

Sadly, most artists do art only because it's pretty. They paint pictures and do things because they do it well. Which I can't complain about... since that's why I wrote and spoke for such a long time. But my best work was done when it had a message. I just don't enjoy the art as much when I don't have a point to it.

Oh well. I'm going to go paint someone playing the world's smallest violin for me.

People Are Always Asking Why

And all I can say is because she's amazing.

I know she's younger than anyone really finds acceptable, but then again, since when has anyone made me this happy? Never I tell you, and that's good enough for me.

Also, she freaking has the Care Bears CD.

I'm so in love with her.

Synergy Is One of Those Fun Words

That we say without really thinking what it means. Well I'm working on that. I mean, I say a lot of things without thinking what they mean... and that's not good. But I think that it's time to give "synergy" a closer look.

I am Captain Varied-Interests. I'm an Art Major who's written a screen play and a novel (as I remind everyone constantly, I'm so proud). I also have a passing knowledge of philosophy and religion, a fairly well developed military sense, and a ridiculous amount of History stored in my brain. Throw in the fact I love music enough to own 40.9 days worth of it... and you get the picture.
Now for the longest time, I've let this vex me, you know? I just wished I could focus on one thing.

Now I realize that this variety is my greatest strength. It lets me come at things from so many angles... one of them is bound to work. When my knowledge of Art fails to let me make a perfect composition, I use psychology to better deduce what my audience wants. When I'm writing and I can't think of how something would work, I imagine it like an art work and paint a picture with my words. When I'm playing a freaking game and I need a strategy, I can recall Hitler, Caesar, or Ghengis.

I have to synergize my varied abilities. I have to make them work together. It's hard sometimes, but in other ways it's obvious. I have a rythmic, flowing sense of line in my drawings... and listening to music helps give it direction. As I bring it all together... I'm finding my work improving drastically in quality. Getting better, and better.

In the meantime, I'll just watch what I say.

Anxiety Isn't Reserved For Only When Others Are Around

I'm on my flippin' medicine and I'm having little "enemies in the shadows" vibes. Not that I actually think anyone is out to get me. They'd have gotten me by now. It's not hard. I'm all gimpy cause of my legs/feet.

I really hate how this happens though, ya know? I'm a 20 year old boy/guy/man(?) and I should be able to handle things like people being busy, without suspecting everything is coming crashing down. It's ludicrous to be afraid of such non-sense. I'm on top of the world, and have felt thusly all day.

I'm way to paranoid about inter-personal relationships. This may be that social anxiety again. I don't trust people. I try really, really hard to. But when your best childhood friend molests your sister, your first love cheats on you and dated you in the first place just to break your heart, when another friend betrays you in front of all your friends... man... it just gets hard to look over, you know? No excuse for acting like we have another Red Scare on our hands...

So I'm pacifying myself, telling myself it's okay and hoping I'm right. Heh. Nothing like being wrong to make you doubt yourself. (Duh).

We All Just Want To Be Accepted

And I just found out last night that I'm accepted to IUPUI's Herron School of Art! This is fantastic news that takes an enormous load off my shoulders. I've been fretting over this for a while now... and I just feel so much more relaxed.

With this... my life is officially on track. In every way I want, I'm moving in the right direction. The plans I've made are coming to fruition, and I'm just excited. This is fantastic! I'm going to a world renowned art college to get my Masters degree in Visual Communications. This is really everything I could hope for and more.

Now all I have to do is NOT SCREW UP the rest of this semester, and I'll be good.

If Only Potential Came In Kegs

It'd be so very much easier to tap. I've got me some potential. I don't know quite how much, though I do know there is a more than normal. I've got talent, brains, and ambition that comes and goes. And I think that's the real problem here... my ambition is so... (no little words fill this need, I must use nerd-speak!) transient.

I mean, in a given year, I get planning on like... a hundred projects. I finish maybe, MAYBE fifteen of them. That's not what I would call a success rate to envy. Now I like the projects I finish. When I really work on something, when I put my mind behind it, I do good work. Really good, really original work that any one would be proud of.

The question is how to get that quality into all the work I do. You know? It's just difficult to get motivated at times. Finding the desire to want something that long just doesn't come easy. I'm getting better at it. I just wonder how long it'll take.

Lets Talk About Social Anxiety

I've got some social anxiety. Nothing terribly severe. I don't get panic attacks anytime I'm around more than two people, and generally, people seem to like me. When I go to a party, half the time I'm the life of it. The other half I'm hiding in some secluded place trying not to be seen... but oh well, right?

The issue with my social anxiety is that while I can be around people... I almost never want to. I have a few human beings I like enough to spend time with on a regular basis (we call these people friends). Over all, however, I would just as soon sit at my computer than go out and participate in "group activities." (See also: sports, parties, and study groups). I also don't like meeting new people. Don't get me wrong, I'm not shy... but I just absolutely loathe the prospect of having to make an impression on someone again.

What bothers me about my social anxiety is that it's keeping me from opportunities. I want to be a free-lance Graphic Designer (well, I sort of am already but...), and that means I need to network. Which is meeting new people. More importantly perhaps is the fact that I'm missing out on a whole world of social interaction that could be making my life that much better. I see people... and I see them having fun. Meeting people... being around people, and I'm envious.

So yesterday, at the gym, I stopped my work out and I played some pick-up basketball. And I sucked. I can defend all the live-long day, and I made some nice steals... but I can't shoot to save my life. Seriously, if my life was on the line, I'd throw the ball at the guy threatening me because that's more likely to save me than my shooting prowess. But what's important was that I didn't really know these guys. I'd said hi in the halls of the dorm, I'd played Halo 2 with them on the LAN, but I didn't know them. I played anyway. Not because I wanted to play basketball that severely, but because I wanted to do something with other people for once.

What does this mean? It means I have some atrocious blisters on my feet (the size of half dollars!) and I'm sore as all get out (basket ball on top of the first 2 mile run of the year... no fun). It also means that perhaps I am incrementally closer to beating this thing.