You Can't Puke Your Guts Out

Until you spill them to me.

Might as well get it out in the open here. I have a drinking problem. It is this: I don't really enjoy drinking. Okay? It's out there. I really, really, REALLY want to enjoy it. But I can't. The shit tastes foul. Being drunk is terrifying. And I'm always dissapointed in myself when I drink. Never mind I'm a bipolar kid on anti-depressants and drinking a depressant drug like Alcohol really doesn't do the trick for me.

It sucks, it really does. Cause my two best friends enjoy drinking. It's a fun thing I wish we could all do together. So when the chance arises, yeah, I jump at it. Right until I down the first shot and get sick to my stomach. Not drunk, just sick. And so I try to keep up with whom I'm with... and I'm just freaking miserable. But I don't want to ruin the fun! And I know, I know... everyone says "dude, it's no big deal"... accept it is. It is extremely rare that anyone does anything in our group of friends if I don't do it. It's not a concious thing... it's just... I'm an integral member and without me... an activity lacks whatever it is I bring to the table.

So if I don't drink, I worry that everyone else will stop drinking. Or won't drink. Which... I dunno... isn't a terrible thing... but it isn't what THEY want. And hanging out isn't about what I want. It's about having fun together.

I don't know what to do. Kami doesn't like drinking, though she'll never tell me not to. Which I'm thankful for, it's wonderful that she respects me enough to trust me to not "act the fool." At the same time... I wish I had an easy out like "my girlfriend told me not to." Fuck being called a pussy... it wouldn't be on my shoulders.

*sigh* I just wish I could just HAVE A GOOD TIME... and not spend it worrying about things.

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I'm The Man Who Saved the World

But couldn't save himself. Seriously... when someone else's problems are brought to me, I act with cool, intelligent advice that is almost always correct. I can help almost anyone with their problems... I can guide them in all they try to do.

But when something goes haywire in my life... I panic. I lose control and freak out. I take hours, sometimes days to calm down. I just wish I could be as good with my problems as I am with other's.

Then again... I bet everyone wishes that.

If Only I Could Paint Myself A Bed

Somewhere that I could sleep all night... all day tomorrow... and tomorrow night too. I'm so tired... I can feel it in my bones. That's real cliche and something people older than I say... but seriously... my knees are killing me, heh.

I just spent around 4-5 hours painting. I nearly finished one, am more than half way with another, and I've got about 45% done with the final one. They're a set, and they are gunna kick ass when they're done. Or at least, I hope they will. Thank God for glazing to save my ass from color wierdness.

I love this painting thing. It's really theraputic. Cathartic perhaps works better. I can forget everything else for a time and just concentrate on my art. It feels great... especially when you take a step back and it really looks how you wanted it to. My guess is that it feels as good as the applause after acting, the thrill of doing a complex dance right, or giving a perfect presentation. It's a really good feeling... and it's part of the reason I do art.

Tomorrow, I must speak on Alex! (Btw- haven't spelled Tomorrow right the first time until right here).

And So I Said To The Little Devil On My Shoulder

If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. He didn't listen, but it felt good saying it, ya know? I wish he had shut up. It's so much easier to avoid temptation than it is to resist it.

Which is why I have like... 0 female friends. They just aren't worth the hassle. I've found the woman in my life. For a feminine perspective that isn't hers, I have a mother (and a sister who hasn't forgiven me for leaving for college quite yet). There just isn't much reason to have a female friend. I have Maria of course... but she's engaged, and I called her daughter. Not much of a threat there, lol. (Also, Maria, while definitely a girl, lacks a really feminine point of view [she plays video games for Christ's sake]).

It's hard for a lot of people to settle down, ya know? They think "what am I missing out on?" A whole lot of drama, that's what. I found the spark, and I know that what's here is so much better than any silly fling. I just wish people would understand it's not so much "natural" for people to be runnin' around having sex and hot make-outz. That's just an excuse. You do that to learn that it isn't what you want. So move on. Don't stay in that place. Better yet? Avoid it entirely.

Thank God someone knew that.

What Is Better: Saving or Sharing A Life?

And can you do both? I don't know the answer. Understand what I'm really asking is whether you can change someone and still be with them. Thankfully I don't have to ask myself that question too seriously. Mine is a girl who I have no desire to change.

Kenny and Maria revealed their engagement to Dustin and I last night. It was an exciting, and relieving little bit of information. The two of them are wonderful people, who I admittedly don't give the attention they deserve. They genuinely care about me, and while I care about them a good deal, I do not show it as well as I should. I'm happy for them, just as I am nervous for them. They are young people... like me... and it's going to be a big deal when they tie the knot Dustin and I are to be best men, which is an extremely big honor.

It's gotten me thinking on marriage in general. I'm not quite as gung-ho about it as I once was. This has nothing to do with Kami's potential as a wife... something I do not question for a second. She is everything I want, and I will marry her if it is at all possible. However, we have to wait... for many reasons.

I'll have to write my diatribe on this on Misanthrope. For now, I'm going to go.

I'm Often Seen Dragging Ass

His name is Dave. This will be another of those "observations of people in my life" pieces I've been writing. Pieces? Blogs. Whatever.

Dave is around 6'3" and 170 pounds. Like most thin guys, he over-estimates his weight constantly (I do it too). He's moderately strong, though it's all centered in his arms. He's pretty out of shape because he never excersizes on his own.

Dave was my best friend here at Vincennes. Which isn't saying much. After the must lauded Frank/Mike break up... he was basically the only one left. So I clung to him, accepted him, and let down my barriers because I need human companionship.

In the interim, Dave has become a bully, an asshat, and a general ogre. He argues and fights about everything... there is no topic too trivial to start a fight over. I state an opinion about the weather, and he just automatically disagrees. He refuses to budge an inch on anything he's made his mind up about (re: everything).

I cannot have anything in my life without Dave critiquing it. He has an opinion about everything, and he refuses to hear any others. He's so maddeningly confident in his own obscure, idiosincratic meaninglessness that he cannot imagine a world beyond his envisioning.

Dave is also the most impolite and inconsiderate person I know. He knows the social mores and refuses to abide by civility. He is abrupt and abraisive, and overtly confrontational. He stews at every percieved slight, and acts as if his own infringements are nothing. He ignores my requests for even mild behavioral modification, in preference for his own illogical, inscrutable behavior.

One of the things I get least about Dave the fact that he hates his father for being a bully, for being illogical, and for being a jerk. However in every way he emulates his father. It is a sad, sobering, and uncomfortable reality.

Dave and I's friendship has been over for some time. Despite my attempts to remedy things, he will not change. I will not throw myself to the lions for someone so undeserving. I see a sad, unhappy future for him. But let it be known: I have never been rude to him out of spite or anger. There was a time when I laughed with him. Not anymore.

Take A Close Look At Who You're Friends With

You are who you meet. I like that. I'm full of clever quotes today. Hopefully I will be seen as wise enough down the road that people will attribute them to me in books of celebrity quotes. I'm like a latter day buddah.

Anyway, I'm writing this blog because I realize it'd be good to talk about the people who are important figures in my life. Not just the good ones, though I'll start with them.

I'm gunna write about my main man Zach. I'll answer why before I start. A) I'm talking to him on AIM, so he's on my mind (not like that). B) I talk about Kam constantly, I don't think writing a blog about her is a smart under-taking... it took me a month to write a novel, that'd take a lifetime. C) Zach is the shizznizzle.

Alright, so Zach. He's a good guy (duh). He's an inch or few shorter than me (I am verbally clever today), fairly pale from a largely indoor natural environment, and only beginning to reap the benefits of hygiene. He'd look pretty good if he'd take care of himself and at least trim his beard... which resembles nothing so much as hobo-lion's mane.

He's smart as hell too. Like... I wouldn't say smarter than I am... partially because I'm egotistical and partially because I don't believe any one is "smarter" than anyone else. He does have a way with numbers. He does math I'd need a Professor or at least a computer to do, in his head. He's smart in other ways too. He's a fun role player, a creative guy, and a surprisingly good free thinker for someone so numbers oriented.

Zach comes across as a smart ass, because he is. He has a sometimes black sense of humor, and enjoys cynicism and sarcasm a lot. My guess? This is his way to vent his anxiety in a socially acceptable and even somewhat enjoyable form. I say somewhat, but his humor is one of the greatest things about the guy.

I think Zach's biggest problem is that he is utterly unmotivated. I don't think it's in the "something is going to wander to me" kind of way. I think it's more Zach is too anxious perhaps about failing to actually make a real chance, where the failure would be painful. Maybe I'm just projecting, but I think he needs to get motivated. I'd love to help, and I try to... but ultimately it's got to come from him.

The only issue I see for me and Zach is my relationship with his sister. He's being admirably supportive, which means a whole freaking lot. Like... I want to thank him for it... but I'd rather not bring it up and cause awkward. He's been cool about it so far... so I don't know. But I can't think of anything else that could cause us trouble. Other than like... me waking up to him smelling my hair or something.

Barring catastrophic relationship failure (in which case Zach being mad will be the least of my problems) or closet homosexuality, I see a long, strong future with Zach. I'm getting an apartment with him... and this is just gunna be awesome.

W00tzorz!